Sometimes this is really difficult.
Usually the difficult times are early in the morning, especially if I think about Harper getting up and getting ready for school, and in the middle of the night when I'm having trouble sleeping. Those are my anxious times, the crying times, the times when I tend to feel lonely.
And then there are entire difficult days.
Yesterday I started having a fair amount of bleeding again. Which meant I got sent back to the PICU (perinatal intensive care unit). The PICU meant an uncomfortable bed and being on the monitors 24 hours a day and no eating until they were sure that things were okay. Things are noisier and much more clinical feeling in the PICU. Over there, instead of taking things one day at a time, it feels like we are taking things one moment at a time. It feels like balancing on the brink of disaster. And when I suddenly started bleeding and found myself over there again it completely freaked me out. People who know me in person know that I tend to be unable to stop crying once I get started, and that's how it was last night.
Littlest surprised everyone by looking great on the monitor and by this afternoon we were back over in the regular maternity area. But I'm still having some bleeding and feeling a little like we might get bounced back at any moment.
Since I was first admitted three weeks ago, this has been the most difficult thing, not knowing what was coming next. We'll have a few uneventful days and get lulled into a sense of calm and then, wham! the roller coaster gets started again.
There are moments when I wonder if I can do this for one more day, let alone three more weeks. But of course I can, and I will. I would go through this over and over if it was the best way to help this baby grow and keep him safe. I just won't pretend it's easy.
7 comments:
Hugs, hugs, big big hugs. You CAN do it Kelsey. It sounds incredibly hard, and you're such a strong woman for doing this great.
You are doing a tremendous job and are completely justified in the difficulties. This is a tough situation, one that I think you are handling SO well. Hang in there... glad you are back in a calm place at least for now.
A totally regular pregnancy has too much uncertainty for me: when will the baby be born? will everything be okay? is anything going on in there I should know about? is this normal? is THIS normal?
A pregnancy with complications is like that times 5,000. If you get through it without a total mental breakdown, I will be in awe of your mental fortitude.
I am already in awe of you Kelsey. I cannot CANNOT imagine how hard this must be. My heart aches for you and I wish I could do something to lessen the hardship. You are doing fabulously. You are taking it one moment at a time, and sometimes one whole day at a time. This will pass. That baby will be in your arms one day soon. You'll be sitting at home, rocking him quietly. Harper will give him a kiss on the forehead. Your life will return to normal. It will. It will.
I will be strong for there is much to suffer. I will be brave for there is much to dare.
You are stronger than you even realize. And I love you because of that!
Hillary
Hang in there Kelsey. I'm sorry that things were so tough yesterday, but glad that you are resting a little easier today. Thanks for being so faithful in keeping the blogging world up-to-date on your and littlest's status.
Glad to hear that you are still hanging in there -- I can imagine how much it must suck! And congrats on making it to March!
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