Sometimes this is really difficult.
Usually the difficult times are early in the morning, especially if I think about Harper getting up and getting ready for school, and in the middle of the night when I'm having trouble sleeping. Those are my anxious times, the crying times, the times when I tend to feel lonely.
And then there are entire difficult days.
Yesterday I started having a fair amount of bleeding again. Which meant I got sent back to the PICU (perinatal intensive care unit). The PICU meant an uncomfortable bed and being on the monitors 24 hours a day and no eating until they were sure that things were okay. Things are noisier and much more clinical feeling in the PICU. Over there, instead of taking things one day at a time, it feels like we are taking things one moment at a time. It feels like balancing on the brink of disaster. And when I suddenly started bleeding and found myself over there again it completely freaked me out. People who know me in person know that I tend to be unable to stop crying once I get started, and that's how it was last night.
Littlest surprised everyone by looking great on the monitor and by this afternoon we were back over in the regular maternity area. But I'm still having some bleeding and feeling a little like we might get bounced back at any moment.
Since I was first admitted three weeks ago, this has been the most difficult thing, not knowing what was coming next. We'll have a few uneventful days and get lulled into a sense of calm and then, wham! the roller coaster gets started again.
There are moments when I wonder if I can do this for one more day, let alone three more weeks. But of course I can, and I will. I would go through this over and over if it was the best way to help this baby grow and keep him safe. I just won't pretend it's easy.