At Five

Dear Michael,

One of these years we'll celebrate a birthday of yours and I won't think about how it wasn't supposed to happen until May... Really though, I am so incredibly grateful that people who meet you today probably don't realize that you were born nine weeks early. In a way you will always be my baby, but you certainly aren't a baby anymore!

Last month you turned five years old. I say it every single time I reflect on your birthday, but where on earth does this time go?

We've really turned your world upside down in the last year. I went back to work full time in the fall and you left your school to go back to the preschool/daycare you were at the spring you turned two. You've done well in your school this year. You've learned and grown and made friends. It took you a long time to come out of your shell, but you really have blossomed.

How will we remember this past year? We've watched you encounter all kinds of new experiences and each time you've approached them the same way. You wait and you watch. Sometimes for an agonizingly long time. You have a need to spend some time thinking about a situation before you commit to being a part of it. This is has been true of everything from swimming in a new hotel pool to joining with friends at a birthday party.

The rough-and-tumble boy you can be has come out with the fullest force ever this year. You play aggressively with your friends at school and come home talking about Star Wars and Rescue Bots and Transformers and all sorts of things that you didn't encounter in our house. You are slowly learning to identify the times and places where rough play is appropriate as well as when it isn't such a great idea. For instance, sneaking into the kitchen and karate-chopping the back of my legs while I'm preparing dinner has turned out not to be such a good idea.

As rough as you can be, you are something of a gentle giant as well. (Did I mention that you are now in the 95% for height and the 90% for weight?) We have yet to find a movie you can watch without crying at some point, either from being sad or afraid. Even certain books and songs will bring you to tears. You hate to see anyone else feel sad, left out, or left behind. Eventually I imagine you'll be able to sit through a Disney movie without dissolving into tears, but I also hope you'll hold on to that tender heart as you grow.

Your obsession with sports grows stronger each year and baseball is your favorite. You will watch any baseball game on television, even if it is between two college teams that you've never heard of. You cannot wait to play baseball (that's coming later this year) and are trying out soccer right now. You love your soccer practices and games, despite the fact that you play as though you are participating in a game you are watching on a three-second delay. While you figure it out you are just happy to be on the field and keep telling us how great it is!

The rest of this year is going to bring more huge changes your way. After what feels like an eternity of debating what to do, we have decided to send you to kindergarten this fall. I can't wait to see how you navigate in that new world and what other surprises you have in store for us.

You are delightful Michael. You bring so much joy to our days with the appreciation you have for the little things in life. I will never get tired of hearing how great your day was or how I make the best sunbutter and jelly sandwiches in the world. It is a gift to be your mother. I love you.

Love,
Mom

Fatigue

Do they look older to you?

Michael will be FIVE on Saturday, which is completely mind-blowing. We are in the midst of things like kindergarten screening and just signed him up for spring soccer. I know how cliche it is, but seriously, where does the time go?

And speaking of time, there isn't much of it these days. I really thought I would be able to keep blogging once or twice a week while I worked and I think a lot about it. However, when it comes down to it I tend to choose sleep and sanity over computer time. I miss the blogging community though, and I hope to dial back into things over the summer.

The last four weeks have been a special kind of brutal because we have been sick, sick, sick around here. Harper and Michael had no-apparent-reason fevers the first week of February. Then we had a visit from the vomit fairy the second week of February (only for the children, thank goodness). Last week Michael was diagnosed with strep. After three hours at children's urgent care today we realized Harper had an ear infection, which we expected, and pneumonia, which was an unfortunate surprise diagnosis.

Of course with all that illness comes the ever-exhausting dance to figure out which adult is not going where he or she thought for the day. Matt's parents have been hugely helpful, but Harper alone has already had six sick days since February 1st. It's getting a little old. There wasn't one day last week that both of my children went to school.

My job is exhausting and frustrating and lots of wonderful. I have gotten to know some amazing children and families this year. I have worked with some of my favorite people on the planet. Aside from all the sick days and maybe being a little extra tired, Harper and Michael are both thriving in their environments, childcare included.

Soon it will be time to make decisions about what next school year will bring, for me and for our children. I thought by this point in the year I would have a clearer picture of whether we'd made the right decision and what decision we should make going forward. If there was ever a time I wished for a crystal ball, this is it. I never imagined the choice between working and staying at home would seem this difficult. We'll all have to stay tuned to see what happens next.

I am not sure who might still be checking in here, after all this time has passed. Still I would be remiss if I failed to mention that we are once again raising money for March of Dimes and planning to walk in the 2013 March for Babies at the end of April. We've had such amazing support for the event the past few years. I'm hoping a few of you will consider supporting us again - the link is over on the right.

Eight

Dear Harper,

Shortly after beginning this blog we celebrated your first birthday and I wrote you a letter to mark the occasion. I have done the same every year since that first birthday.

Life has been very different for our family in the last few months as Dad and I are now both working full time. Some things have had to change and, unfortunately, one of those things has been the amount of time I've spent writing here. Your birthday passed six weeks ago but I still want to write to you. One thing I'm really learning this year is that just because I can't do something perfectly doesn't mean that I shouldn't do it at all. Since it is New Year's Eve and you will turn NINE in 2013, I figured I'd better get to it.

You are eight.

I know hearing your age isn't nearly as jarring for you as it is for me. Still, eight is a pretty remarkable number, don't you think? At Christmas Eve dinner this year it occurred to me that it was the ninth year we'd celebrated Christmas with you and got all choked up because the time has gone so unbelievably fast.

You've had a bunch of new adventures this year - dancing in your first big recital, attending bowling and basketball camps, playing with the big kids (fifth graders!) in after school daycare, and trying tennis. Your world is getting bigger and bigger, as is your attitude. In many ways you've always seemed older than your age, but this year, especially in the last few months, it has become clear to me that you are on the verge of a whole bunch of big kid stuff. The questions you ask, the way you speak, the eye-rolling (already?), all of it gives glimpses into this new phase we seem to be entering.

When I was a summer camp counselor eight-year-olds were some of my favorite campers. Yes you have one toe in that big-kid world, but you still buy into a whole slew of wonderful, magical, little kid stuff too. You like to play pretend, be read to, and you were all in on the Santa Claus thing for another blissful Christmas. You aren't too embarrassed to be with your parents, and better yet, you still love spending time with your dad and me.

You have pushed your boundaries this year, at home and at school, and I don't think you have the fear of "getting in trouble" that I carried with me during my childhood. This is mostly a good thing, as you really aren't afraid to take your place in the world, though I occasionally wish you were just a little more concerned about following the rules. You are more likely to evaluate the rules and follow the ones you feel should apply to you...

Of course I'm really proud of so many of the things you've done. Back in the spring you worked really hard to write a story and make book as an end of the year gift to your first grade teacher. When she sent you a thank you she promised to come to a signing when you are a published author. You are developing your own tastes and interests, independent of things your father and I have tried to introduce you to and you love to read (especially graphic novels and mysteries), write, and cried your first happy tears when you received a desk for your birthday. You've also become a big music fan this year - Taylor Swift is your favorite - and you got a guitar for Christmas and can't wait to learn how to play and write your own songs.

There are moments when I look at you or listen to you and my breath is completely taken away. I cannot believe the little baby I spent all those winter mornings snuggling with and reading to has become this big, beautiful child. I continue to learn and grow as you learn and grow. Being your mother is the biggest challenge and honor of my life. I love you, Harper, and I can't wait to see what the next year will bring.

Love,
Mom

NaNoWha?

So yes, for the first time in a long time, my guess is that National Blog Posting Month is not going to happen here this year...

I'm sure you're shocked.

We're doing fine, but I'm having a hard time justifying taking time to blog as I'm falling asleep every night thinking of the things for school or around the house that I've yet again failed to do. Being back to work sure has been a humbling experience!

We totally phoned it in for Halloween this year. As the cold and soggy remnants of Sandy landed firmly in Ohio this week I had the wicked brilliant idea to skip trick-or-treat all together and take the kids bowling in their costumes:

These are not the kids.

Of course we still stopped by my in-laws where there were bags of nut-free candy waiting for them. So they got plenty of candy, bowled a game, and avoided making our already present coughs and sniffles worse by hiking around in the rain for an hour. Win-win?

Hello?

I moment ago I took the dog out in the front yard. It is a beautiful, clear, autumn night. I looked up to see a blanket of stars. The air was full of the sound of fireworks (?) and the local high school band playing at the football game. The scent of a fire wafted up from a neighbor's yard. It was a few minutes of deep and satisfying peace.

This transition from full time momming to full time teaching has been a lot. It is almost as jarring and intense as the transition to being a parent. It's only been six weeks so we're still in that newborn haze. I am only now, just a little bit, coming up for air. I miss this online community fiercely, though I don't have too much time to dwell on it...

Things are happening here. School and field trips and croup and new experiences and dog cancer (he's okay now, but whoa) . Most Some days feel barely together, like the universe is bound by nothing more than a prayer and an old rubber band.

I would love for someone to tell me this will get even a little bit easier. If you know that it really won't then you just shush.

Are you still out there? How are you?

Heigh-Ho

This morning I woke up, got dressed, and went to work! How crazy is that?

We don't have students at my school until next week so I've been doing a lot of organizing of my room. It started out looking sparse but very clean.

This was taken one day last week when Michael came
to "help" me at school.

Then I realized I was never going to know what was in all of those tall cabinets unless I took it out and put it back in a way that made sense to me. Things got worse...

By the end of the day today it was about 1/2 put away. I also attended my orientation, met one of my students (her mom brought her in to get some paperwork from the office), and did a lot of deep breathing.

Harper and Michael start school tomorrow. Last night we all went mini-golfing after dinner. One last family activity before our summer comes to an end.

After school today I ran home to get the kids and we all met Matt up at Harper's meet-the-teacher night. Then it was quick dinner, baths, and kids in bed. I've been up doing paperwork for Harper's school, readying lunches (I forgot how I detest that), and making mental lists of everything that needs to happen tomorrow. With any luck I'll remember at least half of it!

File Under Mommy Guilt

After several months of begging me to please get a job (last spring) so she could go to the school daycare with her friends, I sat in Harper's bed tonight as she sobbed to me, "Mommy I don't want you to go back to work."

Oh boy.

If I were the hashtag sort, mine would be #alittlelateforthat