Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Being Home Is. . .Hard

I got home at about six last night. My mom had taken Harper to gymnastics so they were not here yet. Rebound was so happy to see me I truly believe he would have burrowed right into me if he could have. I thought his tail would fall off for all the wagging. He laid next to my bed all evening. This morning he seemed thrilled all over again when he realized I was still here.

I had a little time to get settled and then heard Harper come home. I think there is a part of her that is angry with me about this whole thing, as though I chose to be away from her, and I was a little worried about how she would react when she found me at home. But as soon as she saw me she hopped up on the bed and, carefully, gave me a huge hug. I was a blubbering mess most of the day yesterday and that was just one of the things that made me cry. She asked if I was going to stay home for "all the days" now. Being closer to Harper, Matt, and the dog is the best part of being home. It was really strange to only see Matt for an hour or less each day and hardly see Harper at all. But now that I've been here for a day, I can tell that this is going to be a really big adjustment for all of us.

I think people are pretty adaptable. There were difficult things about being in the hospital (more on that another time?) but I was working under the impression that I would be there for quite some time and had wrapped my mind around the "good" things about it pretty successfully. Obviously there was a huge sense of security being right there were there were doctors, nurses, medication, and equipment 24 hours a day, prepared to launch into action should an emergency arise. And they were checking the baby many times a day which was hugely reassuring. It wasn't exciting there, but I had a pretty good arsenal of things to keep me busy, especially once the computer arrived. I had stationery and notebooks, books to read, sudoku and crosswords, and I had convinced myself that I could enjoy the time to do all of those things. I felt lonely at times, but I also had lots of wonderful friends calling to chat with me and I got used to being by myself pretty quickly.

Now that I'm home, I have to readjust my expectations a bit. Obviously I'm grateful to be here because it means the baby and I are really doing okay, all things considered. I am confined to bed, though I'm lucky to be able to get up and go to the bathroom and take a shower. But that's it. And I really have to make myself stick to it, because if I start allowing myself to get up to change the DVD or get something out of my dresser or just check on one thing, before I know it I won't be doing much resting. The line is firmly drawn and I need to follow the rules. I can do that, if it means I can stay here, which I think is really better for all of us in the long run.

Last night and the first part of this morning (Harper had a snow day.) I was feeling a little overwhelmed being here. Of course I am happy to see my family, not be wearing a hospital gown, etc. but all of a sudden there was a lot of noise and a lot of interruption, compared to the steady quiet of my hospital room. Harper kept bopping in and out of here, climbing on the bed (not on me) and trying to get at the computer, etc. She also knows I'm not allowed to get out of bed and has come into the room from time to time and done something minor she's not allowed to do, looking at me as if to say, "You can't touch me, ha haha haha ha!" But for obvious reasons I'm reluctant to ask for her to be kept out of here, especially after hardly seeing her for nine days.

When I was in the hospital I didn't feel too badly pushing that little button and asking a nurse to help me with something or bring me something I needed. Here it just feels different. My mom is helping us this week and she has her hands full with Harper, fixing food, and staying on top of the random things that need to be done around the house. I am understandably reluctant to call her in here every five minutes to fetch things for me, it just feels wrong when I can hear her doing all the things that I pretty much consider my job. We have to find a balance, because I'm not supposed to do that stuff for myself. Sigh. I should mention that I'm supremely grateful to have family that can step in to help us like they have; it's just different. My mom isn't doing anything to make this difficult, it is just a strange situation.

This afternoon Harper was having a fit about taking a nap and my mom was dealing with it just fine. But feeling like my child was being a royal pain and not being able to go in there and help - that just leveled me. And I sat in bed and sobbed. I'm not upset because she was upset; she's three, she's upset often. But I hated that my mom had to deal with that while I just sat here.

Harper came and sat with me and played card games while my mom made dinner tonight. And she came in here for me to read her stories before bed. Those kinds of things feel good. It's the bouncing around in here like a maniac that I could do without.

After a couple of days I'm sure things will level out a bit. But man, there are a lot of frustrating things about this situation.


Mommy Daisy said...

I can totally see why this would be really frustrating. You're right though, everyone will adjust. You'll fall into a new way of life, and it will be fine. Still thinking about you and wishing you well.

Marie Green said...

When I was pregnant with my twins, I was really dreading strict bedrest. It never happened for me (I did have some modified bedrest, basically not able to work anymore, and was not supposed to hit the mall, but could be up and around in my own house) and that was actually nice. I DO NOT know how I would have dealt with ALL BED ALL THE TIME.

Many sympathetic thoughts coming yoru way. Hang in there, and don't get addicted to bidding on Ebay or anything like that. ;)

Giselle said...

I can't imagine. Bedrest without having any other children sounds horrible. But WITH kids? My mother is visiting right now, and she is trying to pick up the slack so I don't have to bend over or sit on the floor as much. And I can hardly stand it. I hear my kids whine or back-talk her...I want to get involved. Not because she isn't dealing with it well...heck, she has TONS more parenting experience than me. It's because she's the grandma, and I don't think she should have to deal with it.

Hoping it all settles down for you. Seriously. Can't imagine.

Kelsey said...

Thanks you guys, for not making me feel bad for being anything other than grateful to be home. You are an understanding bunch!

Liz said...

hi kelsey! ebay is fun, just saying! :)
sorry you are stuck in bed while there is a hub of activity surrounding you. im sure you feel helpless and frustrated at times but just try to enjoy the help and just think about how nice it is to have your mom tend to harper for a little while. i'm sure your mom doesn't mind it one bit. i say all of this knowing full well that i would be going insane as well. ;)
hang in there and find a tv series on dvd to rent - grey's anatomy? LOST?
oh, and stay tuned because i WILL post pictures once i get the house assembled. :)

Swistle said...

When I come home from the maternity ward, I nearly always have several big cries about how noisy and cluttered and crazy and distracting our house is, after the peace and order of the hospital.

You're not just sitting there: you're the living life-support system for that baby. ...But I know. I'd be super-frustrated, too.

Erin said...

Oh Kels. I can only imagine. You are doing BEAUTIFULLY, even though it doesn't feel like it. Other people can take care of Harper. Other people can cook and clean and change the dvd. Other people NEED to do those things for you now, because you and ONLY YOU can be the mother to that baby boy. Only you. You have the most important job, and the hardest. Every day counts.

I love you sweetheart.

Anonymous said...

hang in there kid! it'll be over in a snap, and before you know'll be running around chasing two kids and a dog, wishing they would just stop for a minute so you can sit down!!!
So, think of it this way...this is God's way of saying, rest now because you I'm not giving you a chance to do that for at least 6 months after this baby comes!

oh, and read "The Long Walk", it puts things in perspective! I know it's hard, but it can always be worse.
I love you!

Anonymous said...

i'm so sorry you're going thru this. i was on total bedrest for 4 months w/baby #2 and had a toddler. it is very difficult. one thing that really helped me was getting a little mini fridge and keeping it next to the bed. i had it stocked daily w/yogurt, drinks, snacks, etc and that way i didn't have to ask anyone for help. we ended up keeping that fridge for a while after the baby was born - it was great for storing pumped milk.
also check out - they really helped me. good luck!

Mommy Daisy said...

I tagged you for a meme on my blog if you're interested.

Emily said...

Wow, Kelsey, that sounds really hard. I can completely understand all of the frustrations you are having, I think I would feel the same way. I'm sure your mom is happy to help, but it would still be hard. Hang in there, and blog your little heart out because we love to hear about it!

samantha Jo Campen said...

I know. I know I know I know. TOTALLY.

I hate having to ask for help, or having my mom here cleaning the kitchen and bathroom when THAT'S MY JOB--and I feel like an ass just sitting there, even though I have to and it's not because I'm lazy. I hate feeling so helpless, and I don't even have a toddler, so I can only imagine what it's like for you.

You've heard it all before, but we'll get through this. Because we have to. And MAN won't that feel empowering when it's all over? Like, hey, I did THAT and it sucked but I can live to tell about it!