Being Home Is. . .Hard

I got home at about six last night. My mom had taken Harper to gymnastics so they were not here yet. Rebound was so happy to see me I truly believe he would have burrowed right into me if he could have. I thought his tail would fall off for all the wagging. He laid next to my bed all evening. This morning he seemed thrilled all over again when he realized I was still here.

I had a little time to get settled and then heard Harper come home. I think there is a part of her that is angry with me about this whole thing, as though I chose to be away from her, and I was a little worried about how she would react when she found me at home. But as soon as she saw me she hopped up on the bed and, carefully, gave me a huge hug. I was a blubbering mess most of the day yesterday and that was just one of the things that made me cry. She asked if I was going to stay home for "all the days" now. Being closer to Harper, Matt, and the dog is the best part of being home. It was really strange to only see Matt for an hour or less each day and hardly see Harper at all. But now that I've been here for a day, I can tell that this is going to be a really big adjustment for all of us.

I think people are pretty adaptable. There were difficult things about being in the hospital (more on that another time?) but I was working under the impression that I would be there for quite some time and had wrapped my mind around the "good" things about it pretty successfully. Obviously there was a huge sense of security being right there were there were doctors, nurses, medication, and equipment 24 hours a day, prepared to launch into action should an emergency arise. And they were checking the baby many times a day which was hugely reassuring. It wasn't exciting there, but I had a pretty good arsenal of things to keep me busy, especially once the computer arrived. I had stationery and notebooks, books to read, sudoku and crosswords, and I had convinced myself that I could enjoy the time to do all of those things. I felt lonely at times, but I also had lots of wonderful friends calling to chat with me and I got used to being by myself pretty quickly.

Now that I'm home, I have to readjust my expectations a bit. Obviously I'm grateful to be here because it means the baby and I are really doing okay, all things considered. I am confined to bed, though I'm lucky to be able to get up and go to the bathroom and take a shower. But that's it. And I really have to make myself stick to it, because if I start allowing myself to get up to change the DVD or get something out of my dresser or just check on one thing, before I know it I won't be doing much resting. The line is firmly drawn and I need to follow the rules. I can do that, if it means I can stay here, which I think is really better for all of us in the long run.

Last night and the first part of this morning (Harper had a snow day.) I was feeling a little overwhelmed being here. Of course I am happy to see my family, not be wearing a hospital gown, etc. but all of a sudden there was a lot of noise and a lot of interruption, compared to the steady quiet of my hospital room. Harper kept bopping in and out of here, climbing on the bed (not on me) and trying to get at the computer, etc. She also knows I'm not allowed to get out of bed and has come into the room from time to time and done something minor she's not allowed to do, looking at me as if to say, "You can't touch me, ha haha haha ha!" But for obvious reasons I'm reluctant to ask for her to be kept out of here, especially after hardly seeing her for nine days.

When I was in the hospital I didn't feel too badly pushing that little button and asking a nurse to help me with something or bring me something I needed. Here it just feels different. My mom is helping us this week and she has her hands full with Harper, fixing food, and staying on top of the random things that need to be done around the house. I am understandably reluctant to call her in here every five minutes to fetch things for me, it just feels wrong when I can hear her doing all the things that I pretty much consider my job. We have to find a balance, because I'm not supposed to do that stuff for myself. Sigh. I should mention that I'm supremely grateful to have family that can step in to help us like they have; it's just different. My mom isn't doing anything to make this difficult, it is just a strange situation.

This afternoon Harper was having a fit about taking a nap and my mom was dealing with it just fine. But feeling like my child was being a royal pain and not being able to go in there and help - that just leveled me. And I sat in bed and sobbed. I'm not upset because she was upset; she's three, she's upset often. But I hated that my mom had to deal with that while I just sat here.

Harper came and sat with me and played card games while my mom made dinner tonight. And she came in here for me to read her stories before bed. Those kinds of things feel good. It's the bouncing around in here like a maniac that I could do without.

After a couple of days I'm sure things will level out a bit. But man, there are a lot of frustrating things about this situation.