Monday, November 10, 2008

Knowing It Could Be Worse. . .

. . . doesn't always make it better.

Labor Day weekend I was fortunate to be able to spend a couple of days with my best friends from college. It was an amazing weekend with a perfect mix of just hanging out and going out, and lots of good food and time for catching up with each other. During our reunion one of my friends asked me a question which made me realize that there is a big part of my hospitalization/Michael's birth that I haven't talked much about. She asked me when we might think about having another baby. Through no fault of her own that question caused an uncomfortable silence and I realized only about half the people in the room knew that we'd been told not to have another baby.

When Michael was born, via c-section, the operation took about twice as long as normal, apparently due to the amount of scar tissue from the c-section I had with Harper. Apparently the combination of the complications I had with Michael's pregnancy (no one knows why it happens, but it is likely to happen again if it has happened before) and the trouble they had with the surgery led the doctors to urge us not to get pregnant again. One of the doctors came over and told us this while I was still being operated on! And I heard it repeatedly before I was discharged from the hospital.

We have been told not to have any more babies and it makes me feel terribly sad.

Even though I have two beautiful, healthy children. Even though we may only have chosen to have two anyway. Even though we could certainly look into adoption down the road. I'm still sad.

I'm sad that I'll never be pregnant again and I'm sad to loose the possibility of another child. I think I would feel that way no matter how many children we had. There would always be a last baby. Michael may very well have been our last baby.

But for me, for now, the difference between choosing not to have any more children and being told we can't have any more children is a big one.


Giselle said...

I'm sorry you are sad...I don't know what else to say.

Although I find it interesting to read...because I'M sad...even though there's no way I could handle another child...and I always thought it would be easier to be told by someone else not to have another, so the decision was out of my hands and I could blame it on someone else. Reading your post makes me realize how wrong my thinking has been...and that it would be hard no matter what. And it makes me feel very lucky, because I can't imagine what it would be like to be told you can't have any children not even one. It must be a terrible grieving process.

Erin said...

Oh sweetie. This is sad. I think about it, and it makes me so sad for you. Being able to choose these things for your family makes all the difference. And the timing of finding this out... that really makes hearing that kind of thing so much more traumatic.

Yes, you have two wonderful, beautiful, perfect children. I KNOW you are grateful for that. But it certainly and unfortunately doesn't mean you get an immunity from the hurt of realizing this news.

For what it's worth, I'm glad you wrote about it here.

Emily said...

Oh, Kels. I'm so sorry.

No matter if Michael would have been your last or not, I think this news would be hard to hear, because like you said, it's the ability to make the decision that is lost. So of course you would mourn the loss of this choice. For us women, I think we tie part of our identity into being a mother, so anything that stands in the way of that is difficult.

Pam said...

I'm sorry this happened to you. Down the road, all things are possible and there's certainly a ton of kids out there that need love, both fostering & adoption.
In the meantime, you have two gorgeous kids.

Elaine said...


I admire you so much - you are so honest in your writing and almost always bring a tear to my eye. This enry was no exception. The loss of anything is hard, especially the loss of choice. Sometimes it takes some time to understand the true meaning or reason why something happens, and I know you will find peace with why this had to happen to you.
Love, Elaine Skeldon

Giselle said...

I reread my comment and didn't like the way it ended up sounding. I want to make sure I don't sound like I'm diminishing your loss of choice. Your post just made me feel that it must be infinitely more difficult to handle not having a choice...especially when presented as you are under the knife (as if you didn't have enough to think about right then...)(as if you were going to leave the surgery and immediately get working on that 3rd baby...)

Ugh...this still isn't coming out right. I think I maybe need to learn that more writing isn't better.

I feel for you and will be thinking of you. Thank you for posting about it to give me some insight and a new appreciation for my own situation.

Lil Mouse said...

I'm really sorry. I guess its a reality we all have to face--I told my husband flat out, I dont know if I want anymore kids, he was raring to go for more while I was still pregnant and I told him, who knows, maybe we wont be able to have more, lets just focus on how great the first one will be and leave it at that. but I can sympathize with your pain. its a terrible thought if you did want to have more if you were advised not to. i was worried about carrying mine due to internal scar tissue from my appendix, but i guess it was okay. its hard to know what curves life will throw at you, but i'm glad you all are healthy and continuing in the good fight each and every day. god bless. you've been an inspiration to me to keep going during some rough times.

Anonymous said...

I don't think we've talked about it since then, but my heart really broke for you that weekend when you shared your news.

Who knows why God's plan for our lives is as it is. I am so terribly sorry about your situation, and there's nothing anyone can say that will make it any less sad. You are a great mother to Michael and Harper -- they are so lucky to have you and Matt as parents.

I love you. (And, incidentally, I love that you posted a picture of The Bean -- you were so excited to see it!)
love, Tracy

Swistle said...

That would make me feel sad, too.

Jen said...

We are contemplating when, if ever, to add another baby to our family. I can only imagine the pain of being told that we don't have the option. Praying for peace for you!

Mommy Daisy said...

I didn't know. You mentioned before about not having any more kids, but I didn't realize it's because you can't/shouldn't. I would be devestated too. I think it's reasonable for you to greive that. I know I would. But I know that you already have a wonderful family who loves you very much! You are very blessed.

CARRIE said...

You are entitled to your feelings of sadness....even though you have 2 beautiful, wonderful children. It is a loss of possibility.

My hubby doesn't want to have anymore, and that stays on my mind constantly (even on days when I am full to the brim with the 2 we have).

I am thinking of you. Know that you are certainly not alone in your feelings of sadness.

MamaK said...

Wow, Kelsey. Thanks for having the courage to share with us online. Jim and I had 2 miscarriages over 8 yrs before Kaden came along... this fertility thing is tricker for some than others, eh? It does suck to have drs say you're done-- especially the one in the O.R. I mean, goodness golly, someone needs to whack that guy! It could've waited until they stiched you up. Geesh. Anyway, be sad until one day you're ready to not be as sad... and keep enjoying those 2 beautiful funny kids of yours :)