Thursday, June 16, 2011

Difficult, This Parenting Is...

I have a slew of things I want to write about today (I almost wrote "whole slew" but is there such a thing as a partial slew? I don't know, this is why I'm not an editor.) but first and foremost on my mind right now is that I am having a very frustrating day.

VERY FRUSTRATING.

My children don't listen to me, and they argue (All the time with the arguing!), and they don't put things away, and today Harper told me I was lazy... I deserve a gold medal for not taking her head off right then and there.

Oh you guys, I know this is all normal stuff, blah, blah, blah. But man, it can really wear a person down. There are moments, just moments mind you, when I am just at the brink and I look around and think, "How did this get to be my life?" And, of course, there are the opposite kind of moments, like these, when everything seems wonderful and rosy and I wish it would take much much longer to pass than it is actually taking.

Listen to all these unique feelings I'm having about motherhood!

These last few summers have been angst-ridden as I've looked for jobs and applied for jobs and even had a couple of interviews - and yet, no job. And in many ways I'm very happy to have no job (outside the home) just now. We are once again in a place where our lives could look drastically different in 2.5 months and I would like to mentally prepare for that. But if I mentally prepare for that, before something actually changes, then I just have to get my brain to do a u-turn to feel happy (as I do, in theory, right now) to continue this stay at home gig. The mental/emotional gymnastics I'm doing over here are exhausting.

I try, really really try, to be more zen about what is going to happen. I keep saying that I'm good either way, job or no job, and that is true. But I'm better if I know which way it is going to be. And these teaching things? Often still unresolved in August - why school districts? Why?

*****

Yesterday we were at a playground and a "big kid" (11? 12?) was on a part of the playground equipment that I think of as a zip line and Michael walked beneath it. She ended up kicking him in the face, knocking him off his feet, and sending his head toward the platform she was supposed to land on. I just happened to look up and see it happen and it was a truly horrific moment. The kind that will be etched into my brain forever. Residing right next to the time he fell over in Lake Michigan and could not get up for what was probably a couple of seconds, but felt like an eternity.

He's fine, but has a giant goose egg on the top of his head. No bleeding and no concussion, but my stomach turned when I felt that thing. And I did call our doctor's office because neither of my kids has ever had a huge bump on the top of his or her head before - it freaked me out just a little bit. Kids' bodies are kind of amazing, no?

*****

I was just thinking that there were a couple of things Michael's been saying lately that I hadn't written down yet. Did I mention how, when he wants you to read an entire book (versus just one story in it) he'll ask you to, "Read it all up?"

He also seems unable to grasp the pronoun, "us," and says, "we," instead. For example, I might say, "We're going to the zoo!" And he might ask, "Are all of we going?" Or if he sees I made a dessert he might ask, "Is it for we?"

******

I kind of hate to bury this link at the bottom of the post, so I may post it again someday... but it appears that I have found my people.

5 comments:

Chris said...

Oh Kelsey! Sorry it was that sort of day, but we do understand and have all gone through it (at least I have). Good to get your feelings out, though, and we are happy to read them. Feel free to call and see if we can get together at times like those! And I hope Michael's head is just fine.

Please post that Letter Writer's Alliance again somewhere...I am sure a bunch of other people would love to read about it!

Giselle said...

I find motherhood to be such a pendulum...I swing from the "wow, my kids are awesome and we're doing great." to "gee-zus, I have created anti-social monsters and unleashed them on the world."

-sigh- I hope tomorrow is a better day. And there is nothing worse than being told you are lazy by your lazy-bones kids. Andrew has tried that trick once or twice and it's amazing he came away with his head still attached to his neck.

Emily said...

Oh, Kels, I really hope that you have an answer for the fall soon so that you CAN be happy about it and not wringing hands all summer. That must be so frustrating.

And I totally have those moments video'd into my brain that replay and haunt me about the kids - they are awful! And my kids have had some NASTY goose eggs (I must not be as vigilent as you are?) and they are scary as crap, but it's helpful to remember that it's a good sign/normal after a bump to the head. And in case they hang around for a bit...that's also normal, apparently, they can take awhile to go all the way down.

And how sweet and fun to get TWO pieces of mail from you this week. :)

Pam said...

I hope you hear soon about the teaching - that must be very frustrating.
I feel like a crap mum on a weekly basis. Sometimes daily. I'm coming to the conclusion that it means I'm a good mum. Since if I was a terrible mum I wouldn't care :0)

CARRIE said...

We've been home from Disney 3 days, and I have been THIS close to running away from home far more times than I care to admit. The fighting just never, ever ends.

I'm sure yoda would have something profound to say about this parenting business, but I got nothin'.

I am SO signing N up in that letter writers thing. We go through stamps like Hugh Hefner goes through 20-something blonde chicks.